How to find right couples therapist & signs of bad marriage counselor

Couples therapy can be a valuable source of support for couples who are struggling with issues in their relationship. However, it is crucial to find the right therapist who fits your needs so that you can make the most out of the process.

Finding the right therapist might be challenging, as most couples are not aware of what they should look for when choosing a couples therapist, especially if they are stepping into couples therapy for the first time. In this article, we will share some tips for choosing a good couples therapist, along with warning signs that indicate a bad marriage counselor.

How to Find the Right Couples Therapist?

Consider Your Needs

Even before you and your partner start looking for a couples therapist, both of you must take time to reflect and identify your needs and preferences. Discussing your respective needs also ensures that you and your partner are on the same page and can look for a therapist that is comfortable for both of you. Some questions that will help you reflect on your needs are:

• What do we want to achieve from the couples therapy process? (Goals)
• Do you and your partner have any specific preferences around the age, religious background of the therapist?
• Do you prefer a therapist with a particular expertise? (ex-pre-marital counseling)

It will be easier to find the right therapist when you and your partner are clear about your needs.

Ask For Referrals

Consider asking for referrals from friends or family members who have experienced couples therapy. However, it is important to remember that every couple is unique, thus a therapist who has been helpful to someone you know might not be able to fit your needs the best or vice-versa.

Research Therapists

Consider searching for therapists in your area who offer couples therapy. You can also look at online platforms providing couples therapy services.

Check For Qualifications

As couples therapy is a specialized field, not every therapist is qualified to offer couples therapy services. Thus, it is important to look for therapists with the right qualifications. Some qualifications to look for in a couples therapist are:

• A Master's Degree In Counseling Or Clinical Psychology
• Specialized Training In Couple Therapy or Additional training in couples therapy approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or Gottman's Method

Check For Reviews

Apart from qualifications, online reviews can be an indicator of a couple's therapist's effectiveness, so consider reading a few reviews before booking a session with a particular therapist.

Ask For A Consultation Call Before Booking

Most therapists would be open to having a short consultation call with couples before the first session. Getting to know a therapist before the first session can also help build trust and comfort with them. A few questions you can ask potential therapists are:

• What are your qualifications?
• What types of approaches do you use?
• What does therapy with you look like?
• Have you dealt with the issues that we are facing?
• What type of couples do you generally work with?
• How long have you been working with couples?

Have Patience

Once you find the therapist that meets your needs, it is important to continue with them atleast for a few sessions to access compatibility and effectiveness, as couples therapy is a process that takes time. Expecting immediate results or solutions only after 2-3 sessions may lead to unrealistic expectations.

What Are The Qualities Of A Good Couples Therapist?

Here are some essential qualities to look for when searching for a couples therapist:

• The therapist should provide the couple with a safe and non-judgemental space to express their concerns. Both partners should feel comfortable with the therapist
• The therapist must possess the qualifications described above
• The therapist must empower the couple with tools and techniques to meet their goals, instead of offering advice or imposing their own suggestions on the couple
• The therapist must have a clear plan and structure for helping the couple achieve their goals
• The therapist must actively listen to both partners while maintaining a neutral perspective
• The therapist must be open to seeking feedback from the couple and make changes to the treatment plan accordingly.

Signs of A Bad Marriage Counselor

Marriage counselling can be an invaluable resource for couples who are experiencing difficulties in their relationship. A skilled and effective marriage counsellor can help the couple work through their issues while improving communication and strengthening their overall relationship. Unfortunately, only some marriage counsellors are eligible for couples therapy. As a result, understanding the warning signs of a bad marriage counsellor is critical to finding the best therapist for your couple's therapy journey. A few signs of a bad marriage counsellor are:

They Lack the Appropriate Qualification

Practicing as a marriage counsellor requires specialized training and credentials, not only in counselling but also in couples therapy. Practicing without proper training is also considered unethical. So it is advisable to ask marriage therapists about their training and educational background before starting therapy with them.

Lack of Structure

Effective couple's therapy requires a clear structure. This means your therapist must help you set the right goals for your relationship and should also have a plan for reaching them. A lack of structure might keep the couple stuck in therapy with no real progress or improvement. Thus, it is advisable to ask a marriage therapist about the structure of their sessions and their style of work before seeking therapy from them.

Takes Sides & Acts as a Middleman or Passes on One's Message to Other

Couple's therapy should be a safe space for both partners to speak about their concerns about the relationship. If a therapist loses neutrality and frequently starts supporting one partner over the other, the therapy process might not be effective. A good counsellor will only facilitate better communication between the partners.

Gives Advice

A good marriage counsellor respects the autonomy of the couple by helping them identify their issues and reach mutually agreeable solutions for them. A therapist giving unsolicited advice or telling couples what to do about their relationship may be considered unethical.

Makes Judgements

The role of the therapist in couples counseling is to provide both partners with a safe space so that they can open up about their relationship with freedom. Thus, a competent therapist is often empathetic and non-judgmental, while a therapist offering their own judgements is considered ineffective.

Invalidates Emotions

Couples therapy is a space for empathy and acceptance of the emotions of both partners. Thus, a therapist dismissing the emotions and concerns of one or both partners may be seen as a red flag in couples therapy. Invalidation may look like constantly interrupting partners while they speak or blaming one or both partners for issues in the relationship.

Shares Too Much Personal Information

Sometimes therapists talk about their personal lives to build trust and provide couples with a few insights or examples that might be useful to the process of therapy, but if the therapist constantly talks about themselves and takes the focus away from the couple, the therapy might not be effective.

Gets Defensive To Feedback

Feedback is an essential part of the therapy process, as it helps to evaluate if therapy is going in the right direction or needs changes. If the therapist refuses to acknowledge feedback or criticism and disrespects your opinions or feelings, it can be a red flag.

A good couple therapist is often flexible and tries to incorporate client feedback in therapy.

Conclusion

Couples therapy can be helpful and beneficial for many couples, provided they work with the right therapist who meets their needs. Finding the right therapist involves steps like reflecting on your goals, needs from couples therapy, asking for referrals, researching therapists and asking questions of potential therapists.

Marriage counselling is effective for 70% of couples who opt for it. However, the effectiveness of the therapy process also depends on the skills and competencies of the marriage counsellor. A structured and non-judgemental approach is generally helpful for effective marriage counselling. Recognizing the warning signs of a bad marriage counselor can help couples choose the right therapist for themselves. It is also important to remember that couples therapy takes time, thus commitment and patience are crucial parts of the process.

References

• 25 Signs of a Bad Therapist & How to Leave Them. (n.d.). Choosing Therapy. Retrieved December 26, 2023, from https://www.choosingtherapy.com/signs-of-a-bad-therapist/
• Advice, M. (2023, March 26). 15 Signs of a Bad Marriage Counselor (& How to Find a Good One). Married Advice. https://marriedadvice.com/signs-of-a-bad-marriage-counselor/
• Benson, K. (2020, March 4). How to Find a Couples Therapist Who Can Actually Help You. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-find-a-couples-therapist-who-can-actually-help-you/
• LCSW-C, E. K. (2023, January 27). How to Find a Good Marriage Counselor. Talkspace. https://www.talkspace.com/blog/how-to-find-a-good-marriage-counselor/
• What a Marriage Counselor Should Not Say. (n.d.). Well Marriage Center. Retrieved December 26, 2023, from https://www.wellmarriagecenter.com/what-a-marriage-counselor-should-not-say/