Have you ever walked out of a marriage counseling session feeling like the counsellor was siding with your wife? If yes, you are not alone. Many men feel that the counselor might favour their wives in the session. This fear can often stop or discourage men from participating in marriage counseling. However, do marriage counsellors take sides, or does it just seem that way? Let’s explore the answer to this complex question in depth
Understanding The Role of a Marriage Counselor
In simple terms, a marriage counselor, also known as a couples therapist, is a person trained to help couples identify issues in their relationships and provide tools to improve various areas of their relationship, such as intimacy, communication, and conflict management. A marriage counsellor essentially acts as a safe space for couples to resolve their issues in a neutral and unbiased environment.
Effective marriage counselors often treat the relationship and the dynamics between the couple as a client instead of focusing on one particular individual; thus, they are unlikely to take sides or prioritize one spouse over another.
Additionally, a good marriage counselor understands that progress can only be made when both spouses feel heard and comfortable in the counselling space. So, they focus on understanding the perspectives of both sides instead of deciding between who is right and who is wrong.
Why may it seem like a marriage counselor is taking sides?
While marriage counselling is a neutral space, there are a few reasons why it may feel like the counselor is siding with one partner over the other. Let’s explore these reasons in depth.
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Wives may be more open to sharing and expression
One reason it might seem like counselors focus more on the wife is that women may generally feel more comfortable talking about their feelings as compared to men. Thus, if the wife is more expressive and the husband is more reserved; it may seem like the counselor is focusing more on the wife.
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Some questions may be difficult or uncomfortable
Counselors ask difficult questions to help uncover underlying issues in a marriage. These questions might feel intrusive, especially if they require husbands to talk about their deepest feelings or emotional needs.
On the other hand, wives may be more open to answering these questions, making it seem like the counselor is siding with them rather than challenging both partners equally.
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Sometimes the counselor may provide feedback
Once a counselor gets an overview of the couple’s relationship dynamics, they may provide feedback on changes or areas for improvement. The feedback is generally delivered in a non-confrontational way and is directed towards both partners.
However, sometimes one or both partners may interpret this feedback as criticism, leading them to believe that the counselor is supporting one partner over the other.
Is it possible for a marriage counselors to take sides?
While marriage counselors strive to be neutral, they are human too. Sometimes, unconscious biases or personal experiences may subtly influence how they interact with a couple. For example, a counselor may unconsciously relate to one partner’s way of communicating and give them more time to speak. However, most trained counselors recognize and correct any potential bias to ensure both partners feel heard.
Thus, if you feel like your therapist is taking sides, it’s important to address it rather than assuming they are intentionally favoring your spouse. In the next section, we will look at a few steps you can take in such situations:
What to do if you are feeling unheard?
- If you feel your perspective isn’t heard, openly discuss it with your counselor. A good counselor would receive the feedback and work towards corrective measures.
- Ask the counselor more questions to clarify if something they did or said comes across as biased or taking sides. Seeking clarifications can prevent misunderstandings.
- Talk to your spouse outside of therapy about how you feel, as they may not realize that you are feeling unheard. Open conversation can ensure that therapy remains safe space for both of you.
- If you’ve tried addressing the issue and still feel that your counselor is biased, it may be worth considering a different therapist. Finding someone who makes you feel comfortable and understood is crucial fo effective therapy.
- Lastly, if marriage counselling seems overwhelming, consider individual therapy. Individual therapy sessions can make it easier for you to express yourself.
Conclusion:
The idea that marriage counselors always side with the wife is a misconception, as counselors are trained to be neutral and their goal is to treat the relationship, not to decide who is right or wrong. However, differences in communication styles and emotional expression can sometimes make it seem like the wife is getting more attention. If you ever feel unheard, address it openly and ask questions to clarify any misunderstandings. If you still feel unheard, consider changing the counselor or seeking individual therapy. In the end, the goal is to find an approach and therapist that makes both spouses feel equally supported.
References
- Do Couples Therapists Take Sides? | Couples Therapy in Texas. (2022, August 30). Center for Couples Counseling. https://www.erikalabuzanlopeztherapy.com/blog-psychotherapy-marriage-counseling-infertility-postpartum-depression-minimalism-leaguecity-houston-tx/2022/8/30/do-couples-therapists-take-sides
- Will my couples therapist take sides? (n.d.). Marriage Couples and Individual Counseling l Louisville, KY l Miranda Filamini. Retrieved February 26, 2025, from https://www.newpromisetherapy.com/blog/will-my-couples-therapist-take-sides
