Rasika Karkare 
Marriage counseling or couples therapy, is a valuable source of support for couples facing challenges in their relationship. It offers a structured and safe environment to address issues, improve communication, and strengthen the bond between partners. However, there might be situations where marriage counselling doesn't yield the best results. Understanding these situations and knowing what to do next can help couples make the most of their therapy experience or explore alternative paths forward.
When Is Couples Therapy Not Effective?
Couples therapy is meant to help couples overcome issues and make their relationship stronger. However, there are instances where couples therapy may not be the most effective course of action. Below are a few situations where couples therapy might not bring the best results.
There is Violence And/Or Abuse In The Relationship
Couples therapy requires both partners to have some tough and real conversations about the difficult parts of their relationship. Tough conversations often bring up a lot of emotions. If one or both partners use violence to cope with uncomfortable emotions, it might be difficult to get any constructive results from couples therapy work. Indulging in tough conversations may only worsen the pre-existing violence.
Apart from that, the presence of violence in the relationship might also compromise the physical and emotional safety of both partners, leading to an ineffective therapy environment. In such situations, the couples therapist might recommend individual therapy so that partners can learn healthy ways to manage their emotions before starting couples therapy.
Both Partners Have Different Goals From Couples Therapy
Couples therapy works based on structure and goals. For the therapy process to be effective, both partners need to be on the same page about what they want from the process. If both partners have drastically opposing goals, it will be difficult to achieve any fruitful progress. For Ex- if one partner wants to stay in the relationship and the other wants to break up, That is why it is helpful to have common goals when you are considering couples therapy.
Lack of Commitment From One or Both Partners
For couples therapy to be effective, both partners need to be actively engaged and committed to the process. If one or both individuals are not fully invested, progress can be slow or even non-existent. Missing sessions, minimal participation, reluctance to open up, and unwillingness to work on the relationship outside of therapy sessions are all signs of a lack of commitment. Couples therapy requires both partners to actively contribute and commit to the relationship. Without the full participation of both, the process may not yield great results.
Unresolved Individual Issues
Couples therapy primarily targets issues within the relationship, but sometimes progress can be difficult if one or both partners are struggling with unresolved traumas from their past. Trauma can have a long-lasting impact on one's relationships and everyday functioning. Discussing relationship dynamics in therapy can trigger traumatic emotions and experiences. Seeking individual therapy to work with past traumas before starting couples therapy might be helpful in such situations.
Unrealistic Expectations
Like any other therapy process, couples therapy requires time, commitment and patience. It is also a collaborative process. Expecting therapy to work like magic or a miracle within only a few sessions might only lead to disappointment.
It is also important to know that couples therapy works best when both partners are committed to making an effort Expecting couples therapists to 'fix' one partner while the other is unwilling to change will result in no progress.
What To Do When Marriage Counselling Doesn't Work
Couples usually come into marriage counselling with the hopes of resolving their issues. Hence, it can be heartbreaking to realize that marriage counselling isn't making things better. In such situations, couples can explore alternative options and strategies through their difficulties. Some of these alternative strategies are listed below:
Reflect
At such times, it is crucial to take a step back and reflect on why the counselling process isn't working. Sometimes, the style of therapy opted for by the couple's therapist might not be a good fit or sometimes couples might come to marriage counselling expecting immediate solutions or results. Either way, reflection will decide on the next course of action.
Assess Readiness
The outcome of marriage counseling depends a lot on the commitment and willingness of both partners to put effort and make changes in their relationship dynamics. Thus, it is important to reflect on and evaluate the commitment levels of both partners towards the counseling process. Are both partners actively engaged and willing to work on the relationship? Lack of commitment from one or both partners can hinder progress. Having an open conversation about each other's commitment and willingness to change can be helpful in this situation.
Explore Individual Therapy
Sometimes, underlying individual issues or unresolved personal challenges can impact the dynamics of a relationship. In such situations, both partners can benefit from individual therapy sessions where they get a safe space to focus on personal growth and healing, which can eventually benefit their marriage or relationship in the long run. Some couples may opt for individual sessions alongside marriage counselling.
Consider A Different Therapist
The outcome of marriage counseling also depends on the relationship between the couple and the couple's therapist. Sometimes, it is possible that a couple and the therapist aren't the best fit for each other, and the couple might benefit from another style of therapy. In such situations, it is important to have an open conversation with the therapist and find another therapist who can be the best fit for the couple's needs.
Sometimes couples might need specialized care, such as trauma-informed care or family therapy, In such situations, it is best to find a therapist who is specialized in those areas, along with marriage counselling.
Consider Other Sources Of Support
Couple's therapy or marriage counselling isn't the only source of support for couples. Sometimes couples might benefit from other sources of support, such as couples workshops. These workshops provide opportunities for deepening connections, learning new skills, and gaining insights from experienced facilitators or therapists. Couples may also choose to attend marriage support groups or group therapy, where they can meet other couples going through similar issues and learn how to overcome them.
What To Avoid When Marriage Counseling Doesn't Work
Avoid Being Too Hard On Yourself
It can be overwhelming and heartbreaking when marriage counseling doesn't work. Sometimes both partners may feel like failures as well. However, it is important to understand that many factors impact the outcome of marriage counseling. Hence, partners need to avoid blaming themselves if the counseling process hasn't worked. Self-blame can make the situation worse as well.
Avoid Blaming Your Partner
Just like being too hard on yourself, blaming your partner for the failure of marriage counseling can make things worse as well. Instead, it is important to remember that your marriage or relationship can work when both of you are on the same team. Thus, focusing on supporting each other might be helpful rather than blaming.
Conclusion
Couples therapy is a valuable resource for many struggling relationships, but it is only effective when both partners have common goals and are committed to working on themselves and the relationship. When marriage counseling doesn't work, it is important to approach the situation with openness and consider alternative options, such as finding another therapist or exploring other sources of support, such as individual therapy, group therapy, workshops or support groups. Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, and there are various resources and strategies available to support couples in their journey toward creating a healthy relationship.
References
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Markhowell. (2019, May 6). My marriage counseling failed … now what?! After the Aisle. https://www.aftertheaisle.net/2019/05/06/my-marriage-counseling-failed-now-what/
Ph.D, A. T. (2021, May 15). 6 reasons your couple's therapy won't work. The Good Men Project. https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/6-reasons-your-couples-therapy-wont-work/
Psychology Today. (n.d.). 3 reasons why couples' therapy may not be working for you. Retrieved February 2, 2024, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/social-instincts/202303/3-reasons-why-couples-therapy-may-not-be-working-for-you
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When is couples therapy not appropriate? Alternative options to couples therapy. (2023, September 29). https://compassionify.com/when-is-couples-therapy-not-appropriate/