Caring for elderly parents can often be rewarding, especially in a culture like India, where caring for one’s parents is considered a natural responsibility and almost a duty. But what if one’s parents become verbally abusive with age? The scars from verbal abuse can often cut deep emotional wounds, leading to psychological harm. So, how does one care for elderly parents while ensuring one’s own emotional safety? Let’s discuss in this article
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Identify the root cause
Verbal abuse can occur due to a variety of reasons, such as cognitive decline in elders, emotional issues such as anxiety or depression or even long-standing personality traits. Are your parents unable to cope with the loss of independence, or are they struggling with feelings of guilt for putting more responsibility on you? Understanding the root cause might help you look at the situation with more empathy and even move towards constructive efforts to deal with it.
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Do not take it personally
One of the hardest parts of dealing with verbal abuse is not to take it personally. Your parents might intentionally or even unintentionally say hurtful things. Still, it is important to understand that their words may not be a reflection of you but of their internal state or emotions. That’s why the earlier step of understanding the context of their issues is so important. It might help you avoid personalisation.
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Set boundaries with care
This might sound difficult, but it is sometimes important to set boundaries even with parents, especially when they are being unreasonable or abusive. Setting boundaries does not have to lead to an argument, but it can be done gently, with a calm tone and regulated body language. Setting healthy boundaries will allow you to show up for them without compromising your well-being. For example, calmly stating, “I will return when we can speak respectfully,” communicates your limit without aggression
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Express your feelings gently
If you feel comfortable, gently express how your parents’ words impact you. Use I statements and focus on expressing your feelings without blaming. For instance, “I feel hurt when you raise your voice while talking,” instead of “You are always rude. This allows expression without blame.
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Show yourself some compassion
If setting boundaries is new, it is natural to feel guilty and overwhelmed. Allow yourself to feel all those emotions non-judgmentally with kindness. Self-criticism in such instances will only invite more overwhelm.
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Engage in self-care
Remember that you need to be well nourished if you have to show up for your parents. So, take time to care for yourself, whether it is through basics such as eating right, sleeping well and exercising or through developing hobbies such as journaling, reading, etc. The goal is for you to feel good and empowered to easily move through the situation.
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Create a support system
If doing it all alone seems overwhelming, consider creating a support system. Reach out to your friends, extended family members and support groups for emotional support. Sharing your experience can offer relief and fresh perspectives. You can even consider hiring help for caregiving, a few hours a week, to give yourself breaks in between.
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Consider individual or family therapy
If the situation and verbal abuse persist despite your best efforts, consider reaching out to an individual or a family therapist. Therapists can provide you with a safe space while also helping you develop skills to manage the stress from the situation. Remember, seeking help is a sign of courage, willingness to grow, not a weakness.
Conclusion:
While caregiving for elderly parents can be fulfilling, it can bring various challenges, especially if the parents are verbally abusive. Thus, understanding the root cause, setting appropriate boundaries, and building support systems can be crucial to your well-being. However, it is also
Important to cultivate acceptance for the fact that your parents might not change despite your best efforts. So, the best you can do sometimes is to focus on your well-being and caring for them within your boundaries.
References:
- Detaching With Love: Setting Boundaries With Difficult Elderly Parents. (n.d.). Retrieved April 29, 2025, from https://www.agingcare.com/articles/setting-boundaries-with-parents-who-are-abusive-142804.htm
- Elders Who Abuse Their Family Caregivers. (n.d.). Retrieved April 29, 2025, from https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elders-abusing-their-adult-children-or-caregivers-137122.htm
- Handling Verbal Abuse from Elderly Parents: Responsive Behavior. (n.d.). Retrieved April 29, 2025, from https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/handle-verbal-abuse-via-dementia-outbursts
- When Elderly Parents Are Abusive | Psychology Today. (n.d.). Retrieved April 29, 2025, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/from-charm-to-harm/202004/when-elderly-parents-are-abusive
